Introduction (Lessons #4 - 6)

Who am I? I’m Carol. I’m on a quest to find happiness, joy, love & laughter. Is that so much to ask for? I’m getting there....taking baby steps....putting one foot in front of the other.

Some days I look at my life and I don’t recognize it. Whose life is this? How did I get here? I’m 45 and single for the first time in my adult life! HELP!!

I got married when I was 19. I was a wife for 26 years. We were supposed to be together forever. It breaks my heart...all our future plans are gone - we were supposed to grow old together...until death do us part. But somehow things changed over time....slowly....until one day it wasn't the same anymore. Luckily we are still close friends. I was reading one of my favorite blogs a couple weeks ago, Porsidian, he was talking about how he still loves all the women he’s loved in his life. In part of his post, he says... “I don’t still think of them as my “lover” or “girlfriend” or anything like that, but I still love them as people. I want them to be happy, and to live long, healthful lives. I want them to live long lives full of life, love, and happiness. I wish them well. Yes, I love them…as people…as friends…as fellow spirits inhabiting the Earth. Even if I have to do it from a distance, I still love them.”... Those words spoke to me. That’s exactly how I feel about my ex-husband – I can’t imagine my life without him in it. M – thank you for still being in my life.

I moved on and had a relationship with another man. But that relationship also ended. My marriage ended slowly...over time. This relationship was over in an instant. He broke up with me...my love for him didn’t just instantly end. It would have been easier if it had, instead it shattered my heart. I’m still in love with him, I still want to be with him, but I’m learning to live without him in my life. The end of both relationships was devastating to me, but in very different ways. I am still in the process of mourning both, but I’ve learned and grown from both relationships. Both men have been incredible teachers for me. I am forever grateful for all they’ve taught me and will always love both of them.

But now where am I? I’m on my own for the first time in my life. Supporting myself, making all the decisions, trying to find my way, and trying to find what makes me happy. Part of the issue that has kept me from finding happiness in the past is that I’ve looked to the outside for happiness. Not just “things”. I learned that lesson – I had a nice house, nice clothes, I was able to fulfill my love of shoes & purses, I even had a cleaning lady – but I wasn’t happy....Lesson #4 – Things don’t make you happy.

Looking back and being able to see things more clearly (you know, that whole "hind-sight is 20/20" thing), I now realize that I used put my happiness on hold. When “this” happens, then I’ll be happy.....when “that” happens, then I can be happy. Well, guess what happened when “this & that" never happened? I was never happy! I know many people do the same thing. Why do we do this to ourselves? I know, I know....its all part of the learning process. Lesson #5 – Don’t wait until tomorrow to be happy, be happy today!

Luckily through all of this, I have the best support system of friends and family a person could ask for. I have an incredible daughter...she brought me Kleenex, wine, cheesecake, a DVD and a stuffed animal after my recent break-up! (How perfect is that??!!) And even though she didn’t know or understand all the details, she sat with me so I wasn’t alone. My support system is what helped me remain sane and had brought me so much comfort throughout the past couple of years....you know who you are and I love you!

So, I find myself in a life that I don’t recognize, but I’m finding peace.....I’m finding my happiness and joy. I have the love of so many incredible people and I know that I will have the romantic love that I long for again (please don’t take that as I “need” it....it’s no longer something I feel I need....but I do want it in my life). I still have my ups & down, good days & sad days. But the tears are fewer and farther apart and the laughter is coming back into my life.

How am I finding the happiness, joy, love & laughter? I give thanks...each and every day...for all that I have in my life...not just the big things - a place to live, people in my life, money to pay the bills....but the small things too – the birds, the trees, the person that let me in front of them in line at the store...everything. Lesson #6 – Give gratitude every day – for the big and small things.

I wish everyone a wonderful day filled with happiness, joy, love & laughter.

Love & Light,
Carol
a.k.a., Gaia