Part II - State of Shock

You’ll have to excuse me if my thoughts are disjointed or I skip from one topic to another. I have a plan in my head how I want to write about this breakup, my emotions, my plans – or lack there of, but I’m finding that my brain isn’t functioning the way it normally does. Example: yesterday I did my laundry. I took it out of the dryer and as I was putting it away, I thought to myself that I had to remember to get my clothes out of the dryer! The clothes were in my hands! WTF? There seems to be this disconnect in my brain and it’s not functioning normally. It took me over 3 hours to clean my bedroom yesterday. No, it wasn’t that bad – I just couldn’t focus…it should have only taken 20-30 minutes at the most!

But this is just one of the things I’ve found has happened to me. Please don’t ask me to make a decision….my standard answer lately seems to be, “I don’t know”. I had to find health insurance because I quit my job and my insurance runs out on the 31st. All these insurance people are asking me questions. How much can I afford to pay each month? I don’t know (Duh, I don’t have a job!). How much of a deductible do I want? I don’t know. Do I want to add dental? I don’t know. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW!!! Because I went on line to get insurance quotes, all these insurance agents keep calling me. I was completely overwhelmed on Wednesday by their calls and questions…I ended up having a mini-mental breakdown! I feel as though “I don’t know” has become my mantra. It’s not the mantra I would choose, but right now I just don’t know!

What am I going to do with my life? I don’t know. Do I want to stay here or take this opportunity to move and go someplace else – yes, I think so. OMG! There’s a different answer.

Job

As painful and sucky as all this is, E may have done me a favor (trying to see the positive). I didn’t “hate” my job, but it was a long shot from my dream job and I don’t know that I would have left it on my own. Now, I have an opportunity to do something completely different! I have a dream of having my own business again. Perhaps this is my opportunity to fulfill my life’s purpose of healing the world…one person at a time. I have a clear vision, but because my brain isn’t fully functional I’m having issues figuring out how to even begin.

First, location. As I mentioned, maybe I want to move someplace new – how do I figure out where? A friend suggested checking out www.findyourspot.com . They have a questionnaire to go through and matches you up with the best 25 places for you. I was surprised by a few of the places – especially when they suggested the town I grew up in!!!

Second, funding. Where do I get the start-up money? How do I even begin to figure out how much I need?

Third, if I don’t start my own business…what am I going to do? The possibilities are endless – which sounds like a great thing, but is just another overwhelming decision!

Living Arrangements

Now the big thing is, where am I going to live? I have no job so I can’t continue to pay my rent. Besides, they’ve already rented my current apartment, so I can’t stay here and have to be out by September 15th. But who is going to rent to someone with no job? When I told my ex-husband that E broke up with me, he immediately told me I could move back into the house – I don’t have to worry about a place to live. How incredible is that? Living arrangements are taken care of. Thanks M – I don’t know how I will ever be able to make this up to you!

Short-term Plans

Ok. I have come up with some short-term plans & goals. I did finally decide on health insurance, so that is taken care of. Next weekend (Labor Day) I am going to the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY, for a retreat (www.eOmega.org). It will be a weekend of New Age & World Music, meditation, yoga, tai chi, etc. I am actually excited about it – I think it will be a very healing weekend and be great for me spiritually, mentally & emotionally. When I get back from my retreat, it will be time for me to pack and move out. So that brings me to mid-September.

This is good. I have a plan. It’s a short-term plan, it’s not a life-time plan, but it’s a plan! It’s a start and I have to start somewhere.

It's interesting to me where this post ended up going. I had initially intended to talk about my thoughts and feelings about the break-up and about E, but instead it ended up being about practical things and what I’m going to do with my life. As I said in the beginning – I don’t seem to have complete control over my mind and how it’s working! Hopefully, my retreat next week will help with that!

Namaste,
Carol