Update - The Past Month & Now

I haven't written anything all month. It's been a hard few weeks. When I got home from my retreat (which was awesome & I had all intentions of writing about it), I immediately had to start packing up my apartment. I had no clue how much emotion that would bring up.

At one point in time, I was so looking forward to packing...it was going to be the final step in my preperation before leaving for Rome. Now, it meant something so much different. With each box I packed...with each item I wrapped, it was a reminder of what is no more.

Each day...no, each hour of packing seemed to get harder and harder. I couldn't keep my focus. I truly felt like I was loosing it. The sadness started to envelope me and I felt like I was loosing the battle. All the emotion that I had been trying not to feel the weeks prior were all coming to the surface at once. All the pain, all the hurt was coming at me all at once.

How could he do this to me? How could he tell me how much he loves me and then put me in this position? If he didn't want to be with me, fine - that would break my heart, but why wait until I had given up my job, my dog & have to move out of my apartment? At that point, why not give us a chance? Even if after a couple of months it wasn't working, at least I could say that we tried. I can't understand how he couldn't even give us a chance.

The full magnatude of the situation fully hit me - almost a month later, it finally really hit me. I started to cry and couldn't stop. There were moments that I didn't know if I could survive the pain. I tried to keep myself busy...afraid that if I really allowed myself to cry that I would never stop...but it kept getting harder and harder. I couldn't keep the tears back. I could feel the sadness taking over me and I started feeling helpless to fight it off.

Now, at this point, I'm not crying all the time and the intense sadness has lifted...but it's always there. It lays beneath the surface just waiting to come out. I try not to think about him/us all the time, but it's hard. I suppose that he doesn't have me on his mind all the time. Everything in his life is the same. He goes to work each day...he knows where money is coming from...he knows where to go home each night. What has changed for him...other than me not being there right now?

We've been in touch. He says he still loves me. He says he's in so much pain too. He cries when we talk because this is so hard for him. That's why this doesn't make sense. Why?

Things I don't know

I don't know how I will have a relationship with man - even though I know I will. I don't know how I will ever be able to trust. How do I ever believe a word that comes out of a man's mouth? How will I ever be able to open my heart enough to allow myself to love deeply...to feel the kind of love I long for? How do I prevent myself from putting up a wall around my heart?

What now for me?

I'm just taking things one day at a time. I'm seriously considering moving and starting over someplace new. I have a trip planned to Portland, OR, in October. I'm going to go there and check it out - I've heard nothing but great things and I'm very excited about going. The idea of starting over someplace new is very exciting. At times it brings up some fear, but I don't really like the idea of staying where I'm at. I'm finding that there are too many memories around here and I don't know what's going to trigger the next one.

I've been wondering how long this is going to last. How long until I'm able to function like a "normal" person? I don't want to get stuck feeling like this...unable to let go...and yet, I don't know that I'm ready to let go of him - I know I have to though. I know I have to move on...I know he has to move on. Even though that should be so simple after the pain he has caused me, I'm having difficulty with it. I know in time I will, but right now, I don't know how.

Now I would like to ask you for a favor. Pray for me. Pray that my heart heals, the pain fades and I'm able to love again. Pray for my guidance - that I'm guided to where I'm supposed to be - to live, to work, to be - where ever is for my highest good. Thank you!

Namaste,
Carol